I really need a rant about stuff and I remembered I have a ruddy great blog for that!
Before I start the rant, I want to thank my friend Annie. She read my blog of sick shit and decided she wanted to help out by starting a fund-raiser for the wheelchair of my dreams! It took off, and in about 3 or 4 weeks we raised the money with lightning speed before we got the chance to do an event! It's blown me away, it's made me cry, and given me hope. SO thank you Annie and everyone who donated their time and money! <3 <3 <3 <3
I would have blogged about all of this sooner, but I've been very brain dead and sick....well hence the need for the chair, right? :P
/// DISCLAIMER ///
This next bit is RANTY! Also it is about sex and ladybits and stuff like that :P If you'd rather not read it, that is cool. Just giving fair warning
<RANT>
There are a few fundamental reasons I do not date people. My commitment issues is the main one, but also my health in terms of energy is such that I cannot maintain one anyway.
I still very much *like* people, and this rant will be about why I don't act upon my lust as much as I damn well want!
If people are super lucky, they get to see me once, MAYBE twice a month if at all. There are plenty of people who I haven't seen since last year due to my lack of spoons. This makes the possibility of trying to shag someone a little tricky :P
Then we get into how my body is right now....
My
skin when i have a lupus flare has sores all over it, half of which are
self inflicted from skin picking because of anxiety. It's not very
attractive and unhealthy looking skin isn't sexy. it looks unhealthy
because i am unhealthy which also isn't much of an aphrodisiac.
Even the skin on my breasts (both of which i am rather fond and proud of) have red spots or sores on them!
My lips are cracky if not actually infected with a cold sore. My tongue and gums have ulsores. The insides of my cheeks feel gross as if I have an extra layer of dead skin just hanging around to make my mouth constantly uncomfortable.
HOW am i meant to kiss like this? If I do get lucky enough to .. get lucky.. my mouth dries up making kissing and such difficult as well.
Speaking of dryness, i have real problems with vaginal dryness. Traditional lube dries about as quickly as i do, so i use stuff called Replens. It's more aimed at women going through menopause and is a kind of 'long acting' lubricant you inset and keeps you more comfortable for up to 3 days. SUPER cool! Makes life more comfortable indeed! Lady juice in a tube. Thing is, a vagina that doesn't self lubricate properly, doesn't clean itself properly. When I started to use replens, all that dead skin inside that hasn't been washed out naturally started to finally get sorted out. This is normal when using this stuff and it even talks about it in their pamphlet so that's OK. Except that it is REALLY GROSS. And I'm still getting it now. I wouldn't let anyone near my lady bits right now because they don't feel right on the inside and that is GROSS!!
IF, for arguments sake, that it wasn't like all that, it'd be likely I'd have a yeast infection to stop me instead. Type1 diabetes with bad control, lupus flareup, and high stress doesn't make for a happy lady bits balance. I'm far too itchy to be sexy.
Then of course my Endoitriosis is still an issues with cramps (unsexy) and painful intercourse (very unsexy). I cannot even masturbate without some kind of pain.
What is the point of a vagina when I don't get to use it!
</RANT>
