Today's Question

Inspired by a friend who answered this question very publicly, I thought it was very brave!

 I'm not ok.

My lupus has been the most crippling it's ever been in the 10 years I've been living with it, and I am having to re-adjust my life plans and goals a lot. Medication is tricky and we're always adjusting and trying whatever we can to help with my pain and fatigue - maybe even get me out of this flare one day! The drugs have their own horrible list of side affects, I'm the heaviest I've ever been and my face doesn't look like my own face anymore. And don't even get me started on the steroids! Hot,angry, hungry, all at the drop of a hat.

Diabetes is still the horrible cherry on the top of it all. Difficult to control, constant daily work, and inconsistent results makes me burnout quickly.

I have been entertaining the little black dog far too much recently. It keeps telling me nothing i do has any point to it. Even if I do a full days worth of craft (spinning, weaving, or sewing), I still feel like I have achieved nothing and just wasted time. 

I hardly get to see any of the fabulous people I love so dearly. All I can say is thank goodness for social media, or I think I would have completely lost touch with everyone by now! I'm always so grateful for the time I do get with friends, esp when I may have canceled a lot of stuff. You guys are all so understanding and great <3 

I find it hard to read, code, draw, concentrate, and sometimes even play games. Lupus brain fog is a killer! Motivation, activation, and functioning is much harder and more draining than it used to be. I want to make more games, websites, ponies, quilts, artwork etc, but right now it's just too difficult and frustrating.

I feel like a lot of chapters in my life I wanted to start aren't so much of an option for me right now (studying archaeology, going back to AIE, developing games, traveling the world, etc etc). But my partner moving here from perth (after knowing one another for about a decade now!) feels like a whole new chapter is starting, one that I didn't expect to even begin! I have a feeling it'll be the best one yet.

I'm excited and terrified by my future. I often still struggle to just move and think.

Looking at this now, maybe I am OK. I mean, I'm not great, and its hard and depressing and the black dog has really been plaguing me recently...

...But I have amazing support in my friends, family, and puppies. I have a lot of love in my life and it makes that uphill struggle with health (mental and autoimmune) so much more bearable. I have hope about the future which I didn't have before, and it's looking pretty spiffy.